


Don't pity me

by bre_ezze76



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Alec Lightwood Loves Magnus Bane, Angst, Hurt Magnus Bane, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, Magnus Bane Needs A Hug, Nightmares, Supportive Alec Lightwood
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-03-19
Updated: 2021-03-19
Packaged: 2021-03-28 14:01:23
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,063
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/30140643
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bre_ezze76/pseuds/bre_ezze76
Summary: Magnus can't open up to people. Alec tries to help him with that.
Relationships: Magnus Bane/Alec Lightwood
Comments: 1
Kudos: 19





	Don't pity me

**Author's Note:**

> English isn't my first language so there might be spelling errors in this.

I woke up shaking.Cold sweat covered my body. I was panting and my heart was racing.

I looked to the left and saw that Alexander was still asleep.  


If I hadn't been so out of breath I would have let out a sigh of relief. I tried to calm down for about 5 minutes but I was still shaking.So I got out of bed and walked towards the living room.Once I was there I started debating on what I should do next.  


I decided that I needed some fresh air so I sat down on the baloney couch.   


I haven't told Alexander but I've been struggling with my past.More specifically my childhood.The time I spent with my mother and...my step-father.  


I've always been able to keep my emotions in check.Except for that one time...but normally I would just put on a facade. It's always been easy.  


So why hasn't been working lately?   


I've been zooning out and having nightmares.But why now?  


The last time the nightmares haunted me was centuries ago and even then pretending to be okay was rather easy.   


But apparently Alec's been noticing my, and I quote,"strange behaviour" and started calling me out on it.   


"Are you okay?"

"Darling, I'm fine."

  


"What's wrong?"  


"Nothing's wrong."

  


"Please tell me what's going on."

"Alexander, nothing is going on."

Lies.  


I hate lying to him but I can't help it.I can't open up to people.Don't get me wrong, it's not that I don't want to.I do. But the thought of being vulnerable makes me sick.   


I've thought about telling him about my childhood before but I always just chicken out.   


**_You coward_**.   


Magnus Bane,the high warlock of Alicante is a coward.   


Who would've expected that?   


I let out a bitter laugh.Then I stopped because for some reason tears started filling my eyes.   


_**Stop crying.You're so pathetic.** _  


There's one thing that could make the pain go away but I promised myself that I would never do it again.   


_**It's the only way, you idiot.** _  


I don't want to.   


**_Yes you do! Stop lying to yourself, coward! Just do it! Alexander won't know. You can just put on a glamour._ **

Maybe you're right...  


**_Be honest.You knew you were never going to stay clean._ **  


Who was I trying to fool?It was never going to last. It's just to temping.  


**_Just do it.It'll make you feel better.That's what you want right?_ **  


It is.   


I was about to conjure myself a knife when I heard a noice coming from the living room.  


It's Alexander.   


**_You better come up with an excuse to be sitting out here in the middle of the night._ **  


"Magnus, what are you doing out here?"   


My mind went blank.   


**_You're so stupid_**!  


"Uhm, I- I was thirsty!"   


"Why are you on the balcony if you're thirsty?"   


Crap.   


"I couldn't go back to sleep."

He sat down next to me with a look of disappointment on his face.   


"Aren't you sick of lying to me?"   


"What do you mean?" I said trying to sound calm.   


"I can tell that some thing's bothering you, Magnus."

What do I do?  


What do I do?   


What do I do?   


**_He's going to pity you if he finds out about your past!_ **  


**_Get your shit together Magnus!_ **  


So I took control of my breathing and tried focusing on what's important. Keeping up the facade.   


"Honey, I already told you that nothing's wr-"  


"Stop lying to me!"   


How did he know? I'm trying my best to seem authentic...I guess I'm not that good of an actor after all.  


"Look, I just want to help you but I can't do that if you keep shutting me out."  


I could feel myself getting angry. Why wasn't it working?   


"Just stop!"  


He looked at me in surprise.   


I- I didn't mean to yell at him. Why did I just do that?   


**_You're terrible! He probably hates you now!_**   


"Then tell me what's going on!"   


I need to tell him but I can't.What is wrong with me?   


"Don't you think I want to! Do you know how hard it is to live with a blockade in my head that prevents me from opening up? It's exhausting!"  


_**Why did you tell him that?** _  


He needed to know.   


I feel sick. He'll want to her the whole story now and I'll have to tell him.  


_**He'll pity you!** _  


Probably.   


**_You did this to yourself!_ **  


I know. "

Magnus-" 

"Don't." I said looking at the ground.   


I hate being pitied. It makes me feel pathetic.   


_**You know what you have to do to feel better.** _  


Shut up.   


"No, you need to hear this.It's okay that you're not ready to open up."  


_**He's pitying you.** _  


No he's not.   


**_Yes, he is and there's only one way to make you feel better._ **  


Stop! 

"But I can still comfort you.You can tell me what's going on when you're ready."  


He doesn't understand.   


_**Of course he doesn't! What did you expect?**_

I won't be able to tell him. 

"Alexander, I don't think I'll be able to tell you."   


"What do you mean?"   


He doesn't understand.   


"Uhm, never mind." I got up and started walking towards the living room.   


"No.Tell me what to mean." He said following me.   


"I'm just not good at this." I said turning around to face him.   


"At what?"  


"At...opening up."   


"That's okay, we can work on it."   


Okay? He can't be serious. I'm ruining our relashonship and he thinks it's okay ?  


I can feel myself getting angry again.   


"No it's not okay! You should be with someone that you can actually talk to!"  


"The only person I want be with is you, Magnus! And that's never going to change!"   


He looks offended. Why is he offended?   


"We'll figure it out. But for now...just let me be there for you."   


He seems sincere and I don't want to let him down. I can try...for his sake.   


**_It won't work._ **  


"Okay but I'm not making any promises." 

"That's fine by me." Alec said with a bright smile one his face.   


He's so beautiful.We've been together for years but his smile still makes me feel all warm and fuzzy.   


"So what do we do now?"   


"I don't know...wanna rewatch glee?"   


"Sure."  



End file.
